Beholder

i feel like

every time

good

comes into my life

 i trip

and

 the sweet-smelling

bliss falls

from my hand

and

shatters

or

i squeeze too tight

and

the ripe fruit

of friendship

thought

love

oozes over my skin

sticky

stinging 

sick and putrid

 from misuse

misunderstanding

miscommunication

misinformation 

 

why can't i

hold

blessings

with gentle hands

why

can't i stand firm

solid as the rock

underfoot

why

do i doubt what i see

what i hear

what i know

what you taught me

teach me

always

 

falling water

seeping into ground

rolling

i evaporate

 

it's not me

it's you

i'm not important

you are

i'm selfish

you are not

 

will a day ever come

when i understand

stillness

will see the invisible

overlook temptation

realize silence

is a friend

to whose voice

i should listen

 

sit

a moment

don't let go

loosen

loosen

don't grip too tight 

 what i cannot know

only open

open heart

open hand

open mind

open eyes

open

open

loosen

open

don't drop

don't fall

still

silent

wait

 

wait

 

wait

 

wait

your voice sounds

in the silent

stillness

your echo reverberates

your voice is

silent

your voice is

still

your voice is

love

you are

love

you are not me

yet i am

you

i'm in you

you are

in me 

 

and you heal

you heal me

you heal everything

i make wrong

and you are

right

 

 

 

       When Fr. Joseph Honeycutt spoke at the Winter Youth Retreat a couple of years back, he talked about how, when he was working on his doctorate. He told one bishop about his idea and what he was trying to show about it in his Thesis. The bishop - who was not very fluent in speaking English - replied: "The wedding was good; the marriage is bad."
       This came to mind on Wednesday after I spoke with my drawing professor about class. I told him I felt like my conceptual abilities were ZIP!!
       We got on to talking about how I'm an English Major, Art Minor. I told him I felt like my "writing self" was tugging me in one direction and my "art self" was tugging me in another. If I focus on my writing, I feel like I'm sacrificing my art, and if I pay attention to my art, my writing suffers.
       "Your first mistake was separating those two," my drawing professor said.
       It was a definite light bulb moment.
       I need to use my strengths to work together instead of setting them against each other. It made sense (yes, I can be very dense sometimes). Still, I had no idea what to do.
       I made my way to the computer lab, to the tower for lunch, pondering.
       Finally, I realized: I need to get married!! XD
       My "writing self" and "art self" have only really flirted with each other. And, they've mostly been separated. But now, I discovered, it's time to go down for the long haul.
   

      This morning was unusual. The cloud cover was dense and it was grey and windy. Squeezed close. Not cold, but not hot, either.
    
      There's a sort of death, walking through the world, not noticing. The rhythm, the wind's dance, the trees as they grow, paying head only to the sun's warmth.

      It's so easy to forget.

      On Sunday, she stood on the patio, alone, and watched the sun gently touch the Wild Olive's leaves, fanned wide. Open, ready, waiting. Expectant.

      "The Beholder," that's what some crazy chick with a blog calls herself.

      She used to notice.

      On this dark morning, she woke up.

      What apathy has infected her? Has infected the world?

      "Follower of Christ" and "Light Bearer" that's what her name means.

      It means when the morning is darkest, she should still see the light. 

     Although I've had this blog sometime, I've only had my posts viewable to a few of my closest family and friends, which means I haven't been getting a whole lot of readers lately. Seeing as I'm a writer, I enjoy when there's an actual audience for my writing.
     So, the thought occurred to me that I could possibly get more viewers if I 1) make my posts viewable to the public, and 2) post the links on my facebook so that people who I actually know will see them!! :D

            I know, I'm a GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^.^

Earlier, I was listening to the pod-casts from the All American Council and, so far, they are pretty awe-inspiring.   
 

This is the link.
    Although I personally did not attend the AAC, from the reports I've heard, I think everything that happened this week has been very inspiring and moving for the OCA (that is, Orthodox Church in America).

     As a student at a secular college, surrounded by a secular world, the election of Bishop Jonah to Metropolitan and everything else that occurred at this year's AAC is also inspiring.
     I feel that it brings hope. Hope to America. I always feel so discouraged as I interact with the world, so cut off from all that is Holy and Sanctified. Everyone around me, I often feel, is so lost. The whole world seems so lost. Sometimes, I also feel lost in the world, drowned in its filth which saturates the University; it takes a strong swimmer to keep his head above the stormy waters. 
     Alone, I can not withstand the raging waters, I myself can not show the Light to those in darkness. In fact, we humans can never shine the Light, really. It is God who does that... But all the same, the Church in America has in the past been a sort of "sitting duck." We have been "the best kept secret in the United States;" we have hidden from the world which we should have faced.
     In the world, although not of it. That does not mean we ignore the world. That doesn't mean we can just sit around on earth, yet not care about its condition. The condition of our fellows.

     However, alone no more.

     The Church is Alive; it has Awoken. The sleep and grog and alienation of the past has all been stripped away. We are here. We are the Orthodox Church in America. We are in this world; we are here to minister to it. God, Who has had much reason to be greatly saddened by us, has come and touched us, raising us from our living death.
     It brings the Paschal hymns to mind:

     "Let God Arise!" The whole Church Proclaims. "Let His Enemies Be Scattered! Let Those Who Hate Him Flee From Before His Face!"
     "Pascha of Beauty; Pascha, the Pascha of the Lord! For Today from Life to Death and from Death to Life, Christ has shown forth from the Tomb... And so let us Sing: Chirst is Risen from the Dead, trampling down Death by Death, and Upon those in the Tombs Bestowing Life!"

"Christ is Risen!"

"Indeed He is Risen!"

 

Alla Luce Del Sole

*Music: Maurizio Fabrizio -- Lyrics: Guido Morra

Transcription and English Translation by Flavio Ferri Benedetti)

Darkness lies outside me, here,
And a bit inside as well...
How absurd is this desert city!

I can't even explain how,
But this is not my dimension,
And my mind gets never comfort,
It is always somewhere else.

But you... where are you? Where's your voice?
What about me if I don't have you,
If I don't get your help?

Everything will look better,
Under the light that will come from the sun!
This night will be gone,
Darkness will fade out!

Hills will be seen,
I will go on looking for you.

Away from this melancholy,
Envy or rage alike.
I don't want these words anymore
To be here in my heart

But you... where are you?
Where's your smile
What about me if I don't have you,
If I don't get your love?

Everything will look better,
Under the light that will come from the sun!
This night will be gone,
Darkness will fade out!

And under the light of that sun
I will go on looking for you.

Everything will look better,
Under the light, under the sun,
Silence will die,
People there will feel confused.

And under the light of that sun
I will go on looking for you.